Dear Eve: It’s You not Me

 

Dear Eve,

For a few months there has been this woman at my work who keeps challenging everything I say, making snide comments about and to me and pretty much has me all riled up every time I walk into a room and see her. I tell myself to just ignore her but she purposely put herself in my path and then goes off on a rant or back handed compliments.

I thought it was just me she was like this with, it wasn’t until recently when members from each department got together for a meeting when I learned that it wasn’t just me. She was there and was her usual abrasive self, she had to leave early, we were all grateful she did. At the end of the meeting, the other woman started talking saying how she was kicked off of another committee for her behavior. One even said that they would not participate if she was on the committee.

I felt bad and awkward discussing her behind her back but also relieved that others had the same impression of her as I did.

Was it wrong for us to discuss her? She is being asked not to come back.

From: It’s You, not Me

Dear It’s You, not Me,

Everyone has someone in their work place, on teams, in groups and so forth that are loud, abrasive and argumentative. It can defiantly affect your stress level and make the group you are in unbearable.

I am happy for you that you do not have to deal with her any more. I am happy that the other woman spoke up and said, no, I can’t deal with her again.

I don’t see it as gossiping. More of having a discussion about managing the group and dealing with harassment and a bully. You said she had been kicked out of other groups, so this is not unusual behavior, it is sad for her that she did not learn the first time.

What strikes me is how you thought that you had done something wrong. That there was something wrong with you to make her treat you that way. A better question than if it was o.k. for you guys to discussing her is, why are you placing the blame on yourself? The only way you ‘allowed’ yourself to put the blame where it belonged, on the bully, was when others validated your experiences.

Remember you are stronger than you think. You have a right to not be harassed, called names, and discriminated against.

Next time, because there will be a next time there always is no matter where you go in life there will be someone who rubs you the wrong way or is just plain spiteful and mean, next time, don’t point the finger at yourself rather pull your shoulder back, head high and think and say, ‘no this is not o.k., I don’t have to be treated this way’

Thank you for writing in, please remember to be kind to yourself and expect the same from others.

Eve

Namaste 🙂

*Write to Eve for advice and/or add your thoughts to the advice column.